the hardest month of my life

Babies don't come with instructions. Not only do they not come with instructions, but the available information on them is endless. There are no less than 20 opinions on the absolute best and only way to raise a happy, healthy, smart child who never cries and always sleeps through the night. All along, I've been overwhelmed and just hoping that some maternal instinct would kick in when the time came. I think it has.  Now, that doesn't mean that I haven't cried in the middle of the night while asking my screaming baby why the hell he is crying. Nishant considered that the night I "almost lost it".  I'm sure we'll probably cry together again at some point but for now, I'm feeling like we have it together a little bit and he seems to be doing just fine. 

I swear, the hardest month yet of my adult life was the first month of my son's life and it's taken me almost a week to get this out in writing.  I think almost every day about some funny quip that I can use for a blog and then I get involved with feeding, changing diapers, maybe getting a shower, not getting a shower and trying to make it look like I had a shower, making time to eat something, make the bed, etc.  It's neverending.  This is his one month picture. 

Here are some of the high points:
- I get peed on a lot, maybe not once a day, but sometimes twice a day - maybe it averages out to 3-5 times a week?  And yes, I know to cover it with a diaper but there's only so much covering you can do and at some point, you have to uncover it to dry a bum and put on diaper cream and then put a new diaper on.  Bonus is that I think I'm starting to see the signs that he's about to do it and can try to plan accordingly.  I deflect it with a new closed diaper (not the preferred way - no way to control the deflection and then he ends up with pee all over), a cloth diaper or my hand which, due to my lack of preparation, usually results in also having pee on my shirt and on the floor.  He pees a lot, and with force!  The poop blowouts have been controlled up to this point just by placing him on a cloth diaper on the changing pad, but we have had our share of blowouts and have our fair share of stained diapers to show for it.

- I am so tired that I have dreams about taking naps.  In the middle of the night, I wake up in a panic.  Scratch that, the middle of the night no longer applies - it's all just a mix of feedings and 2-5 hour breaks between.  Anyhow, in the middle of whatever nap I'm taking, I wake up in a panic thinking I fell asleep during a feeding and start patting down the bed, looking for the baby. Then I realize that he's safe in his bed and the lights are off and all is right with the world and ready for the next feeding. This happens at least 3 times a week. 

- My boobs are huge. They are the only thing keeping me from wearing my pre-pregnancy tops. They're huge and they're leaky. Some days, I'm lucky enough to have not only a milk stain around my nipple but also some type of pee stain in some other area on my shirt. If I'm not leaving the house, I really have no reason to change since either scenario may very well occur again in the next 2-5 hours. *sigh*

- I tried to do some push ups the other day and realized I have no current arm or core muscles to speak of. It's like starting from scratch and it is way uncomfortable. I know it's inevitable but I'd really rather not do that again. But I would also like to wear my non-elastic jeans again at some point. I tried some on for fun the other day but I was wrong.  It was not actually fun at all. I'm glad we're in the middle of the holidays. At least I can ease the pain with a glass of wine, now. :)